In order of frequency, the reactions I’ve heard when someone finds out I’m an only child:
“Do you get lonely?”
“Do you wish you had a brother or a sister?”
“How do you like being an only child?”
“You must be spoiled.”
“Did you get everything you wanted growing up?”
And, my favorite, less obvious but equally telling comment: “Really?!”
I once witnessed an only-child bias mash-up of an extreme kind. It was made possible because I was a bystander and my identity as an only child was unknown. Unlike other areas that tend to attract unconscious (or conscious bias), only childness isn’t visible in the ways that gender, race and age are obvious.
It was small-talk time before a meeting began. An individual with a new baby shared that these early days of infancy were especially challenging because he’s an only child and loves quiet. His boss, a senior member of the leadership team, interjected “I told my kids ‘never marry an only child’.”
I kept my cool.
The only child sitting next to me kept her cool too.
We were eating our lunch, and simply continued to chew.
But, inside…
Inside I was fireworks.
But, I wanted him to go on.
I wanted to keep my secret and see if he’d say more.
I was also flabbergasted at the way he claimed his bias and proudly propagated it to his progeny.
And, I wondered how his team member, who had just offered this tender fact about his identity and self, felt when his boss barfed out his blanket of assumptions.
The initial round of fireworks inside faded to dark, and I recognized two things:
What a powerful experience that was. It opened my eyes to what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bias and prejudice in ways that I, as a white woman, am able to circumvent simply because of my skin color. Make no mistake, I’m not putting this at the same level or in the same lane as racial bias. But this was an eye opener in its obviousness and conviction that only children are somehow broken and less-than.
I wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to learn more about what had led him to this perspective. Had he encountered a ruthless, terrible only child? Had he been married to one? While most people hold stereotypes about only children, they are loosely held and misinformed. Their personal experience with even one empathetic, deep listening, intensely thoughtful only child (like every.single.one I’ve ever known, btw) tends to disrupt the inherited assumptions they received from movies or their parents.
In my field research, here’s what I’ve observed about only children:
They are great listeners: Counter to the narcissistic caricature of a singleton, only children grew up listening. Mostly, listening to adult conversation. If you ever need to feel heard, find an only.
They are empathetic: Since childhood, before they had opinions of their own, they’ve received and processed opinions of others. They’re open-minded, almost to a fault, and slow to judge others.
They can handle being alone: Showing up solo doesn’t bother them. In fact, time by themselves is a treasure. One of my only child friends and I nicknamed this “OCT” (Only Child Time). In fact, while studying abroad in college, I relished the mornings when my flat-mates had class and I was left to explore the city by myself before my classes started in the afternoon. Now, I wake up before the rest of my family to begin my day with silence and entertain myself with whatever I want: a walk, reading, writing…my time. With myself.
Where does this only-child bias come from?
To start with, it’s in the words we use. “ONLY child”. At it’s core, “only” implies lack. The Oxford Languages definition of only includes “alone of its or their kind; single, solitary.”
Only. As if there should be more…but there isn’t. How sad. (How silly!)
I asked Claude.ai to pull some research about where only children exceed siblinged (I made this word up) children.
Several studies that suggest only children may exhibit certain advantages compared to children with siblings:
Higher educational attainment: A study by Feifei Bu (2014) using data from the British Household Panel Survey found that only children had higher levels of educational attainment compared to children with siblings. This advantage was attributed to the greater parental investment and resources available to only children.
Higher intelligence scores: A study by Rohrer, Egloff, and Schmukle (2015) using data from three large U.S. family surveys found that only children had slightly higher intelligence scores compared to firstborns with siblings. However, the difference was small, and the authors cautioned against overinterpreting the results.
Better parent-child relationships: A study by Katrin Hille, Annette Knafo-Noam, and Asher Ben-Arieh (2019) found that only children reported better relationships with their parents compared to children with siblings. The authors suggested that the absence of sibling rivalry and the undivided attention from parents might contribute to this advantage.
Higher self-esteem and life satisfaction: A study by Kaitlyn Pituch and Toni Falbo (2016) found that adult only children in the United States reported higher self-esteem and life satisfaction compared to adults with siblings. The authors proposed that the increased parental resources and support available to only children might foster these positive outcomes.
Better problem-solving skills: A study by Yufang Bian and Xiaoming Feng (2019) in China found that only children exhibited better problem-solving skills compared to children with siblings. The authors suggested that the increased parent-child interaction and the need for only children to solve problems independently might contribute to this advantage.
But even AI felt the need to caution me to not over-rotate and dismiss the bias against only children:
While these studies highlight potential advantages of being an only child, it's crucial to interpret the results with caution. The effect sizes are often small, and individual experiences may vary considerably. Factors such as parenting style, socioeconomic status, and cultural context play significant roles in shaping child development and well-being, regardless of sibling status.
Additionally, it's important to remember that having siblings can also confer unique benefits, such as the development of social skills, emotional support, and shared experiences. Ultimately, both only children and children with siblings can thrive and lead fulfilling lives with the right parental support and resources.
A few years ago, I realized I was defending my choice in having an only child myself.
People I met through my son’s school or at the playground would ask, “Do you have other children?”
“No, we have just one.”
Did you catch it?
“Just" one.
No. We have an immensely happy, kind, sensitive, high-achieving, supported, and loved child to whom we are teaching the value of listening, giving, respecting, braving, and being.
“Just” is often used to emphasize the word it precedes. “Just one” makes oneness overly important. Oneness, with its baggage and bias, becomes the protagonist. But the real hero of the story is the person himself. He doesn’t need any “just one” baggage piled on. I desire for people to know him as he is, without triangulating with stigmas and assumptions related to him being all we needed, and, frankly, all my body was capable of bearing.
That’s why I appreciate parent-teacher conferences when they have no idea if he’s one or one-of-many. They will never know how meaningful it was when they asked me “What’s your secret?” or “I wish I had a class of students like him.”
Yes, it made me feel great and proud and appreciative that he was helping rather than hurting in the classroom. But it was most significant in that I knew he was proving out my hypothesis that only-children are who they are not because of their oneness but because of the way they were created coupled with the way they are raised.
Certainly, there will always be selfish, spoiled only children. And, there will always be selfish, spoiled siblinged children.
But, let’s give un-siblinged kids the freedom to not be that before we suppose that they are.
Maybe the gift of the only-child bias is that “one-and-dones” attune to the opposite of the bias in a subconscious way because we know what we’re up against.
And, every only child knows it’s something we share.
We have a mutual mission to prove to the world we’re not a bunch of assholes after all.
Sleeping
Worth every penny. The delicious feeling the cool side of the pillow (and the bed) at every touch. This duvet and sheet set has been a lifesaver through this year’s hot flashes. It’s pricey, but has brought me joy every.single.night since I unwrapped it from its position under the Christmas tree.
https://rest.com/
Y'know on Family Feud, how they come up with a phrase and people in the team have to fill it in? If we're playing for cash and it is my turn...here goes "Never Marry A.....
"Lawyer"
ding ding ding ding ding!